A Tale of Two Childs

I completed a half marathon once. I half prepared for it, and finished half alive. Of 3000+ runners I came in among the last 30 or so. I did complete it, but as I was walking the last few miles, the emergency vehicles circled like vultures, knowing I would drop any minute. Since then I have had a sort of mental block about jogging. Feeling slightly like a failure, and scared to try running again- and embarrassed at how I did in the race.

Fast forward 4 years. I have a friend, Amy, who talks me into crazy things. She has the ability to sell me on the vision of a journey, and then teaching me to have a good attitude about it. Amy has completed a full marathon, and got me hooked on road biking. So anyway, she talked me into preparing and completing a half marathon, again- this time the Morgan Valley Half. \

I have decided I need to conquer this fear. The problem with this fear is that it is not like standing in line for the scary roller coaster. After the 10-30 minute wait you are buckled in and there is nothing you can do but hold on, and it will be over in 5 minutes. It is a 15 week battle of will for me- as I begin jogging again- I vacillate between the "I can do this" and "any time will beat your first time if you prepare" to the "what was I thinking?" and "I don't know if I have it in me". The official training should start May 5th- which is 12 weeks from my race.

Luckily, I have a friend in my neighborhood, Camilla, who is willing to do long runs on weekends with me- which is encouraging- and we have already started doing some of them- and I have gone 6 miles without stopping for more than a few minutes or so to stretch- which is huge for me.

The first few weekends we just jogged and increased our mileage. I was feeling really good, my knees were not hurting as much. I was increasing my mileage and pushing myself. I was feeling really good, and getting really excited.

Then more and more people wanted to jog with us and I soon realized that people who wanted a rest jogged with me at the back of the pack, and then when they were rested up joined everyone else at the front. My friend Camilla was just going slowly because my pace for a 6 miler is about 11.5 minutes, where hers is more 9 or 10. All at once I was back in the silly embarrassment of the first half- coming in- really- dead last, knowing I could have done better, but did not- then looking at my life. Thinking of all the wasted days, procrastinations etc... and wondering why I could not have pushed myself a little harder.

I had a dream this weekend that it was the morning of my second Half, and I was not prepared. I was panicking, running around, gathering my things, trying to get ready- and I woke up and realized how this is really a fear of mine- and I need to prepare for and complete this- in a manner in which I can be proud of myself.

The only thing that has changed between the feeling good about preparing for my half, and feeling extremely silly about my very effort to prepare for it- is my attitude and predominant thoughts about it. I started focusing on the negative- that I was not as good as the other ladies I am jogging with, and, facing the truth, may never be as good at running as they are.

That does not matter though, really. I am not doing this to race them, I am doing this to prove to myself that I can push myself beyond what I think I can take. I can become more than I am allowing myself, and in the long run, it is easier to live in the gray of mediocrity, than to stand out in color. It does not matter what place I come in at this race- as long as I give it everything.

So with my heart racing and that creeping feeling of anxiety in my chest, I proceed. Hoping to find untapped reservoirs of strength along the way. Wish me Luck!